Hi hello welcome! This post is not edible or particularly upbeat, but thanks for being here anyways.
Someone commented recently on one of my youtube videos something along the lines of “this channel used to be so good, now every video is sponsored”. Careless negativity like that doesn’t really upset me, but it did leave me with some thoughts…
- Be kind. You never know someone’s situation or story.
- I genuinely love every brand I partner with, and would use their products in my kitchen whether they paid me or not. So just because a recipe is sponsored doesn’t make it any less delicious, and it doesn’t mean I created it with any less authenticity or effort.
- I haven’t been creating and sharing new recipes at the same rate I used to (and want to!), so it’s not more sponsored recipes it’s just fewer recipes overall. But sometimes that happens because LIFE.
I don’t write a lot about my life because I assume you are here for recipes not to read about me. And as much as I love vulnerability, it still scares me too. Life posts especially scare me when they aren’t going to be about how happy I am and spunky things are. Honestly my offline life feels really messy right now, which makes me question if it’s too real? too much? too unpositive?
But in a world of undersharing the not-shiny stuff, I’m going to overshare for a minute and press publish
before I overthink myself out of it after 37 revisions and asking 3 people to read it first.
I’m emotionally just tired
My heart hurts. The past few months have been emotionally challenging like I’ve never known before. I’m a little less idealistic now, a little less trusting, but more sure of who I am than ever.
I’ve learned to validate my feelings for myself even if the world says I’m too sensitive. Sometimes I’m not going to understand why. Sometimes I won’t get the conversation and closure I want, but I can’t ignore what’s said by silence.
I’ve learned that honesty and kindness can’t always solve it. That hope will keep me hurting longer than memories. And that eventually, when I’ve tried as hard as I can and maybe harder than I should, all that’s left to do is let him go.
Sometimes I wish I could be mad beause mad seems easier than so deeply sad. I wouldn’t undo anything even if I could, but I do look forward to a future phase of life that involves less crying.
Again. At the end of August.
And it’s bittersweet. Florida still feels like home and I know I need to go, but there are definitely things I will miss about this place.
Like my apartment with its giant warehouse windows that look out onto the river, exposed brick walls, and open kitchen I love so much. Or the communal porch with rocking chairs where I like to work in the evenings while spying on the resident stray kittens (even if the mosquitoes make all of that a little less lovely than it sounds).
And the little moments that make me smile and think only in a small town. Like the post office that is located inside the health food store and only accepts credit cards if it’s over $9 (which for me is never). Or the ladies who invited me into their sidewalk gossip pow wow just because I happened to be walking by with my dog. Or the way people wave and say hi in a way that feels like we know each other when we don’t.
Although I must say North Carolina, I do not understand your fondness for shoes. In Florida when I am barefoot 90% of the time no one cares or even notices, here everyone comments.
But I found a new apartment in FL that I love near the water (or at least I think I will love it, it’s not actually done being built yet so…fingers crossed!) And I cannot wait to be close to good friends again. And I’m excited for new creative/business developments to come. It feels hectic moving twice in 6 months, but right now it feels most right.
I’m loving lately…
Live music. There’s nothing quite like the energy of dancing in the dark amidst thousands of strangers outside under a perfect 75° sunset. For a few hours no one is stressed, everyone is just present and happy. That’s a vibe. If you’ve never taken yourself to a concert before, I highly recommend it.
Fiction. I haven’t read fiction just for fun in years. But recently I started An American Marriage (in real life non-ebook form) on recommendation from a friend and my sister, and it has reminded me how much I enjoy it.
Kindness. Randomly from strangers. Like shoutout to the man I’ve never met before who struck up a 15 minute conversation with me in my apartment parking lot because he saw me crying in my car. Better yet he didn’t start it with “Are you okay?” He just pretended like I wasn’t crying, and kept talking until that was true.
And, of course, kindness from friends. Old friends who check in, and new people in my life who are down to deep dive and skip the small talk. Getting to know people you just vibe with and relate to is one of my favorite things.
Road trips that let me escape for a moment and make me appreciate home when I get back.
Quotes/poetry that eloquently remind me my feelings are not unique, which is beautifully comforting.
Caring less. Overthinking less. Posting more instagram stories of my dog even if no one else finds her as cute as I do. Saying no when I want to just because I want to. Not wearing makup most days. Remembering no one is watching or judging as closely as we think. Just generally embracing IDGAF-ness more than ever.
So no I’m not at my creative best right now, but I know I will get back there. And in the meantime I am choosing not to feel bad about that. I am choosing to accept that sometimes I will be killing it at work/life and sometimes I won’t, and that is perfectly okay.
Meet yourself wherever you’re at, and have compassion for the current you.
Note to brain: If I could ever write one of these personal posts during normal daylight hours, that’d be cool.
Thanks for reading! xo